The Blue Coffee (文 / 劍之舞)

藍色咖啡 / Blue Coffee  120x120cm  壓克力彩  2012

文 / 劍之舞

“I have measured out my life with coffee spoons.”
By T.S. Eliot, The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock

     I used to have a cup of warm coffee au lait, mixed by 3/4 scale brown sugar to 1 coffee shot, right after the shower from day labors, and it had to be brown sugar. I took it as a constant medical prescription for some kind of cure to disease and of course with a constant dose. I knew this prescription from a Japanese friend called Futoshi whom I met when I was travelling in an extensive continent. I went far away for another labor work 3 fortnights I had known this prescription and had lost the clue of him. Those cups of coffee were wearing a color of marmalade. They were the color of the rusty iron bars painted in blue but turned into orange by ages. Maybe that was why it had to be mixed with brown sugar. I picked up the life off work with those rusty cups of coffee, then I traveled on with that only coffee spoon I had been counting on.

     I came back.

     And I could not come back to the life I used to have, neither the one I had have nor the one I had.

     I started to have black coffee wearing a blue aroma. It IS blue, definitely, I can see the hot water drops people used to confuse them with hot air are blue. The aroma, or you can take it as hot blooming steam, is physically blue, is haunting around my coffee mug, and my old stainless friend. I looked inside the shape you called steam and got stirred in it until I was spun out by centrifugal force and with blue color tainted.

     I now know that was merely my illusions caused by NEET, nerd, nervous, and any other syndrome you can recall that could be started with the letter n, such as neuro-linkage pause. I am aware of that because of the coverage of deep blue dense inky drops forged by those blue steams right on the top of my mind. I tried to dilute that thick juice with the rusty orange which stands opposite from blue. Then it became like exactly the painting I just saw here, the Blue Coffee. I then awoke.

---- 原文是以英文寫成，中譯如下 ----

[劍之舞的文藝青年生活日誌]

我曾以咖啡匙丈量過我的生活 - 艾略特，普魯弗洛克的情歌

我之前習慣在白天下工之後沐浴，然後在淋浴之後喝一杯溫暖的加糖咖啡牛奶。比例是一匙咖啡比四分之三匙的糖，而且一定非二砂不可。我把這個當成是某種疾病的長期療法，因此每次我都喝固定的量。這個配方是一個日本人"古賀"告訴我的，當時我正在一片廣衾的大陸上旅行。知道這配方六周之後，我為了一份勞工離開原本的地區，從此我也斷了與古賀君的聯繫。那些咖啡在我看來總是橘子醬色的，就像塗了藍色漆衣的鐵條時間一久就多了層鐵銹的那種顏色，或許這也是我堅持一定要用二砂的緣故吧？

我的人生在當時是片片段段的，做完工之後的每個段落就是由這浮著生鏽顏色的咖啡串起來的，然後，我繼續旅行，並帶著那只被可靠的咖啡匙。

然後我回到家鄉。

才發現即便如此，我仍然沒辦法找回我過往的生活，無論是我離我遠去的，或是昨日方逝的。

我開始喝黑咖啡，帶著藍色氣氛的黑咖啡。就是藍色的，毫無疑問，我可以看見那些熱水滴，一般人或許會叫他們蒸氣吧。那些炙熱的水滴絕對是藍色的，器質上的深藍色，如鬼霧般纏繞在我大馬克杯的周圍，還有我那永不生鏽的老朋友身上。我的視線會被吸入那些所謂的蒸氣裡攪拌，直到我被離心力丟出來，身上還染著那層藍色的東西。

我現在知道那不過就是幻覺罷了，因為我沒工作，又宅，又緊張兮兮的，總之所有你可以想到的負面狀態我都有了，例如脫線……而我知道這個是因為那天我看到有一層濃稠如墨的藍色液體籠罩在我的意識上，我想那層藍色的液體就是由咖啡上面那水氣凝結成的吧，我試著去稀釋那層濃稠的液體，試著用那生鏽的橘子醬色去中和他，畢竟他們是對比色……最後那一層藍色就變得跟我剛剛看到的一幅畫一樣，那裡面的漸層，煙、水氣，還有橘子醬色般腐敗的事物，那幅畫叫做《藍色咖啡》……


---- 後記 ----

我每天都在跟自己的生命掙扎，究竟是要力爭上遊，還是當個簡單的輸家就可以？
每每這麼想總覺得對不起自己，於是又會奮發努力，在每一個自己期待的方面，試著變強一點點；然而一點點的差距仍舊無法替現實做出任何改變。

即便如此我仍然很快樂。

人們總是說人生如戲，我不反對；人生有喜劇有悲劇有警世寓言當然也有提早結束的折子戲；對我而言人生更像是一場遊戲。在遊戲中享受最大可能的樂趣，每一個關卡每一個世界都是遊戲的一部份，你無法登出，死亡就結束，當然得認真地玩樂一番。這也是我寫人生online的原因。

前一陣子我沒有在台灣(伺服器)，而到了另一個區域，一樣都是人生online，那片土地對我而言的攻略難度更高，卻因此我得知了我人生的點數該怎麼點才好。白話一點來說，因為在國外的生活比在國內辛苦，磨練過後我知道我該怎麼看待自己比較好了。

當年做苦工的時候回家總是喜歡調一杯溫熱的咖啡牛奶，加得很甜；回國之後那種口味再怎麼也無法複製了，即便用同樣的比例也是。當時我看到這幅作品的時候，左上方那一小塊風景其實像極了我當年在外的某個中秋節月亮，背景斑駁的藍色漸層色塊簡直是這幾年來心境的寫照。於是我試著以英語為主要的創作文字，把這幾年的心情混著這杯藍色的咖啡寫下來。


原文是英文寫的，要把同樣的感覺用中文寫出來不太容易。我掌握著原文的氣氛，重新用中文寫一次……有些氣氛在我使用中文的時候會跑出來，而用英文思考的時候並沒有那些東西，我有參加兩個版本稍事修改。

***
原文出自：http://swordance.pixnet.net/blog/post/38797425
藍色咖啡創作過程：http://arches3645087.blogspot.tw/2012/09/120x120cm-2012-normal-0-0-2-false-false.html